The Formula: Why People Stay, or Leave

What makes people stay in relationships, or leave? We’ve all faced situations where we slipped up and deserved to be fired, but got a presidential pardon. Conversely, there are times when we expected clemency, only to be punished to the fullest extent. Like wtf?! It makes you wonder how Fate decides which relationship lives or dies, on some Hunger Games shit. Sometimes the odds are not in your favor.

Perhaps the answer is more concrete than karmas and universes’. Maybe it all hinges on your mate’s opinion of you. My theory is: if you are more valuable to your mate than your mistakes, they stay. When your mistakes outweigh the value that they’ve assigned you in your mind, they leave. That’s the formula.

Alas, what a slippery slope it creates, when breakups are a matter of value rather than issue! We go into situations thinking we know the boundaries of what we can get away with, not knowing that everyone’s breaking point is different. We endure different levels of hardships with different people, and it isn’t your place to determine where the line is drawn for you. We’ve all seen people stay with (wo)men who treat them in ways you’d NEVER tolerate. It’s because they haven’t crossed that line, which is different for everyone. I’ve had moments when I’ve been like, “you let your last nigga do [X, Y and Z] to you before you left, but I get all of this flack because of [F]?!”

Everyone decides their own boundaries, and you can’t get mad if you felt yours were too close. The only thing that truly matters is this: Is your mate more valuable to you than the hardships you put up with? Or are they becoming more trouble than they’re worth? That is the true reason people split: one or both parties decide that it isn’t worth it anymore.

With that in mind, we must not punish ourselves too harshly when we run afoul of someone’s rules and tip the scales towards our dismissal. It is not entirely reflective of your value as a human being; sometimes it has more to do with your decision-making during a set period of time. People only know you since you’ve met, not since you were born, so sometimes they can only see the part of the iceberg sticking above water.

You must know YOUR value, enough to recognize if your treatment was just. One mistake we make is assigning too much of our self-worth to our mates. God forbid it ends, it collapses your whole belief in yourself. You believe you ain’t shit because your ex didn’t deem you worthy of redemption. Since (s)he held 80% of your self-esteem, getting back centered can be a hell of a process.  Men suffer from this particularly, because we typically have fewer sources of confidence than women. A man can leave the house and receive zero compliments or advances all day, compared to women.

But I digress.

You must know that when someone leaves you, it is not because you are worthless. It is because your mate had a lower value for you in their mind. If anything, you just didn’t get to convey your true value clearly enough.

One of the hardest things in life is to lose someone as permanently as if they’d died, but still living their life. When people get moved in and out of your life, it can be difficult to accept. But you can’t question your purpose in someone else’s life. If you were called to be the caboose instead of conductor on their journey, so be it.




3 Comments Add yours

  1. kelley says:

    Definitely needed this today.

    Thank you.

    1. Jontae Grace says:

      Thank you so much for reading and enjoying Kelley. It was definitely written from firsthand experience LOL. Blessings to you!

      1. kelley says:

        No doubt. Those firsthand experiences always breed the best results, don’t they?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s