There is no better feeling than to understand someone fully, and be understood the same. The perfect relationship doesn’t exist, but the perfect connection does. It’s the reason we endure the awkward getting-to-know-you stage, the petty arguments and misunderstandings, and pregnancy scares. It’s why we check bishes (male and female) for tryna get a slice of our mates. It’s why I’ve never been jaded by a failed relationship. I’ve seen what the right connection looks like, and it’s worth hell and high water to keep it.
Personally, it is the reason I overthink and overshare all the time. I figure: if I can make her see things how I see them, maybe I won’t seem so……weird. I thought my liberal use of detail would paint a clear picture, but it put me even further on a limb. When I get that empty look and shallow acknowledgement, I know I lost her. I built the sandcastle, and the tide washed it away before anyone saw it.
I’ve noticed though, that the disconnect was not due to a lack of information, it was that I failed to find the best line of communication. People’s minds are uniquely shaped by their own experiences. The goal then, is not to present info how you see it, it’s to understand your mate well enough that you can present messages the way they best receive them. Gobs of details aren’t necessary; relevant information is.
That sounds highly deceitful, open to all sorts of manipulation. And it can be if someone learns your love language for the sole purpose of taking advantage of you. But for those with honest intentions, the goal is to find someone who can communicate on the same wave, who understands you fully, and you them.
To that effect, every serious couple should first tell each other their life’s story, often. This sounds elementary, but some people don’t learn important information until much later, if at all. There is nothing more important than what makes a person tick, and why. You must learn them the way they know themselves. Important events, favorite things, first loves – all of it combine to form the person before you. If you really care about them, you have to know. And the best way to find out is to hear it in their words, on their terms.
The second key is to get to know your mate through their family. Depending on your s/o’s relationship with the fam, this can be tricky, but no less important. On some level, we only show one another what we want them to see. Families have a way of breaking down false filters quick. Whether that be through embarrassing stories, or the good ol’ family argument in front of you, you can learn alot if you use your antennas.
I personally love the mom bond. Moms have an undying loyalty to their children, as well as the deepest knowledge of them. They also have an uncanny ability to judge your intentions and sincerity. When you interact with moms, everything you say or do gets baptized by fire, and only the purest remains. If you get her approval, she’ll teach you how to understand and care for her child. She’ll also look after you like one of her own.
I marvel at my families’ “she’s not for you” meter. It isn’t so much of an instant reading of the girl, but more of a thorough knowledge of me. Based on my profile, my needs and what behavior best pleases me, they can feel her out and tell if she is a good fit, or “a great girl” for someone else, as they’ll put it.
I’ll fight it at first; after all, this girl just fellated me wearing a GoPro camera! She the one! But it normally turns out as they said. You simply cannot discount the advice of people who’ve known you for years. They’ve had ample time to watch your patterns, learn your strengths and weak points. Anyone who neglects the family aspect-either their own or their mates-runs the risk of establishing a shaky foundation for their relationship.
Thirdly, turn inward and spend the majority of your downtime alone together, the way you would as kids. Remember when you had to pair off in class, and work with your best friend on a project? The same thing happens in life. God gives you two an assignment, and you must create your own world together to complete it. Social circles and family members eventually go their own ways, living their own lives. If your relationship develops far enough, all you’ll have is each other. Couples seem to ignore this basic truth and keep more connections than an unsecured Wi-Fi. But in the end, its not healthy for an adult couple. You must learn to rely on, confide in and keep your eyes on your mate only.
Maybe it’s easier for me, coming from a small family. The way I was raised, it’s
Me and you.
Right or Wrong.
Win or Lose.
Everyone else is an outsider. Scratch that: there is no one else. We all we got, and everyone else-including family members at times- is in an outer layer. It may sound extreme, but this is how grown men, who are looking for our Queens, think. If you can’t get with that, let your friends keep you warm at night.
Your mate is supposed to be your best friend. Best friends know everything about each others’ life story and family, because they are an important part of both. Best friends also spend most of their time together. How can you expect to understand and care for a complex human being if you don’t key in on these three areas? In today’s society, that can be difficult because people are more connected than ever. But if you use the three keys to your advantage, and for your mate’s betterment, you can turn your love into something beautiful and everlasting, like how our grandparents did it.