-by Jontae Grace
Is it really necessary to change for your mate? It can be so overrated.
I rarely get credit for the progress, and greatly disappoint her when my lower, base desires emerge. I’m tired of disappointing women, stretching like gumby (especially for the good ones). But they scarcely notice how far you’ve come; only how far away you still are. Things you think are special, she looks at as normal, a given. That’s her right, but its annoying when you’re from something different, something lower. So I want my next woman to look like Mary-Mary, but will split a bucket of chicken with me. Ratchet and Righteous is my new criteria, just like Mary-Mary.
To that end, I’m going to start choosing women based on Flaw Chemistry. Most relationships fail because one or both people refuse to tolerate one another’s dirt right? Well, what if our dirt was similar, and we were linked by weaknesses, not strengths? Would it be a stronger bond? I’d much rather be with a woman who proves more valuable during pain and hard times, rather than a woman I can only share my joy with.
Hear this, and remember it. Men measure women based on how much of their dark sides they can show. You ever wonder how you can spend hella time with a guy, have the best moments and the most passionate encounters, and STILL get curved? It’s because you didn’t crack the shell, didn’t reach the part of him that is truly important. We don’t fully trust women until they’ve seen a dark moment, and proved useful throughout it. One way you can measure your distance to his center, is by the amount of dirt in his life he allows you to see. Your value to him is directly linked to how much you help him clean it up.
Any woman will do for fun times and sunny days. When your paper is right, gas tank is full and your hair is cut, you can get a date with almost anyone. Many women will even tell you that they routinely go on dates with men they have no intention of entertaining, because its free. I’m neutral on that issue, but know that as a result, the fun woman’s value is cheapened in men’s minds. But the woman who knows his secrets, wretchedness and downfalls – and commits to helping him through them – is much rarer, and much more valuable. That might low key be the most important criteria to a man.
But if you can’t relate to a person’s flaws, you won’t accept their weaknesses and problems. They’ll seem extreme, foreign, and unacceptable. You’ll be more apt to leave because you don’t want that type of slime in your life when you have your own to deal with. When you can’t relate and don’t want to try, it’s easier to reject and walk away from. You start desiring someone-anyone without the flaws that your mate has.
We mistakenly believe that there is someone out there without irregularities, but we should really be looking for someone whose negatives are similar, and familiar. When you have similar flaws/experiences, you are more understanding, more empathetic, and more likely to give leniency that they would give themselves. You come closer to seeing them how they see themselves, which is the deepest sort of love. Some refer to this as Agape, where you love them as purely as a parent or child, and it is nearly unbreakable once you have that connection with someone.
Granted, some people have the rare ability to understand your dirt while never having gone through it themselves. They are the rarest of prizes, people able to see front and back, your bigger picture. These types of people come few and far between, and cut you slack when you’re most vulnerable. They work on a different wavelength to understand your high and low points. However, most of us shun what we don’t understand.
The right woman will know more about a man’s tendencies than his closest homeboys. Her knowledge of his strengths allows for him to lead where he’s competent to; while her understanding of his weakness gives her areas to lead him in. The combination of each other’s strengths and weaknesses will lay the foundation to guide each other out of the fog. Both should know what the other is good at, where the trouble spots are, and how best to steer each other toward calm waters in the midst of a storm. All good relationships are built around a good woman who gives direction to what would otherwise be a reckless, aimless vessel of a man.
There comes a time where you must say to yourself, ” Hold up. I’m [first name] muthafuckin [last name]. If they can’t accept me how I am, too bad for them.” You want someone who wants you to be your best self, but not to the point of leaving you after seeing your worst self. Where’s the honor in that? No, the ones we admire are the ones who choose someone and hang onto them through the worst. For they will eventually receive the best.