-By Jontae Grace
I love a woman who does what I say.
Not because I say so, but because she trusts my judgment enough to not resist everything just because she can. I don’t want to apply undue influence to change her mind. That isn’t control; its coercion. And when she disobeys, it should be because she knows better, and knows that I will eventually agree with her. In short, I want her to know when to disagree, and when to go along.
The topic of control and submission has become a dead horse that no one buried, so you see it every day on the way to work. I maintain my position that healthy control is about agreement and consensus, not dictatorship. You have to know what is best for one another, so much so that you are comfortable making decisions in the best interest of both of you.
But in modern times, both men and women resist direction simply because they can. Power politics in relationships are no longer questions of “right,” they are exercises in anarchy, disorder and chaos just to say you bow to no one. I say left, you say right.
But I personally love when a woman asserts her will over mine, which may come as a surprise given my opening statement. The hypocrisy can be explained as thus: I don’t have many requirements, but I expect my ground rules to be obeyed. They aren’t many, but they are significant. Outside of that, she has free reign.
I have found that submission really isn’t the problem. The problem is that we don’t choose mates that we respect enough to submit to. I think there are three keys that make a person surrender control. The first is finding someone who thinks like you. You have to agree on something, be it common culture, common values or spirituality. Imagine your relationship as a Venn Diagram: you have to overlap somewhere, no matter how small.
The second key is finding someone who thinks for you, meaning they make decisions not just for themselves, but with you in mind. They know you well enough that they can accurately predict what you would do in a given situation. Once they’ve demonstrated this quality, you will feel more comfortable leaving decisions to them because it will eventually be handled in a manner you’d approve. I mean really: who wants to have final say on EVERY decision made?
The third and final key is someone who thinks better than you. Once a person has demonstrated that they are capable of finding solutions and ideas that are better than yours, you are more apt to trust their judgment. This is perhaps the most important quality which determines how much control people relinquish. We submit to things we admire-it is why we go to church, pay our taxes, and get married. You believe that the leadership of the religion, government or relationship will give you a good life. So make sure you find someone who knows better than you.
Control, in short, is not about disobeying simply because you have the power to. It is about finding someone whose control you agree with, that will further your goals as well. Because the most frustrating thing in the world is having a partner that you have to fight tooth and nail against. You already do battle against the world; you shouldn’t have to come home and square off again. I’ve always loved a woman with good brains, but a woman who can think using the three keys will always have me bow to her.
One thing that I’ve learned in life is that we all have ideas for how we’d like our lives to play out. One doesn’t trump the other, but the differences matter when selecting mates.