Three Keys to Control

-By Jontae Grace

I love a woman who does what I say.

Not because I say so, but because she trusts my judgment enough to not resist everything just because she can. I don’t want to apply undue influence to change her mind. That isn’t control; its coercion. And when she disobeys, it should be because she knows better, and knows that I will eventually agree with her. In short, I want her to know when to disagree, and when to go along.

The topic of control and submission has become a dead horse that no one buried, so you see it every day on the way to work. I maintain my position that healthy control is about agreement and consensus, not dictatorship. You have to know what is best for one another, so much so that you are comfortable making decisions in the best interest of both of you.

But in modern times, both men and women resist direction simply because they can. Power politics in relationships are no longer questions of “right,” they are exercises in anarchy, disorder and chaos just to say you bow to no one. I say left, you say right.

But I personally love when a woman asserts her will over mine, which may come as a surprise given my opening statement. The hypocrisy can be explained as thus: I don’t have many requirements, but I expect my ground rules to be obeyed. They aren’t many, but they are significant. Outside of that, she has free reign.

I have found that submission really isn’t the problem. The problem is that we don’t choose mates that we respect enough to submit to. I think there are three keys that make a person surrender control. The first is finding someone who thinks like you. You have to agree on something, be it common culture, common values or spirituality. Imagine your relationship as a Venn Diagram: you have to overlap somewhere, no matter how small.

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The second key is finding someone who thinks for you, meaning they make decisions not just for themselves, but with you in mind. They know you well enough that they can accurately predict what you would do in a given situation. Once they’ve demonstrated this quality, you will feel more comfortable leaving decisions to them because it will eventually be handled in a manner you’d approve. I mean really: who wants to have final say on EVERY decision made?

The third and final key is someone who thinks better than you. Once a person has demonstrated that they are capable of finding solutions and ideas that are better than yours, you are more apt to trust their judgment. This is perhaps the most important quality which determines how much control people relinquish. We submit to things we admire-it is why we go to church, pay our taxes, and get married. You believe that the leadership of the religion, government or relationship will give you a good life. So make sure you find someone who knows better than you.

Control, in short, is not about disobeying simply because you have the power to. It is about finding someone whose control you agree with, that will further your goals as well. Because the most frustrating thing in the world is having a partner that you have to fight tooth and nail against. You already do battle against the world; you shouldn’t have to come home and square off again. I’ve always loved a woman with good brains, but a woman who can think using the three keys will always have me bow to her.



One thing that I’ve learned in life is that we all have ideas for how we’d like our lives to play out. One doesn’t trump the other, but the differences matter when selecting mates.





20 Comments Add yours

  1. JustPeachy! says:

    💯 This post was so on point. I couldn’t even think of which key out of the three was more important than the other because they all work in tandem with each other.

    1. Jontae Grace says:

      Aww thanks for reading and commenting JustPeachy! I agree, they do work in tandem with each other. I thank you so much for following my blog still!

  2. JustPeachy! says:

    I forgot to ask you, if you would mind if I shared this link on my Tributaree account for people to follow your blog?

    1. Jontae Grace says:

      No problem at all! Thanks for your help 🙂

  3. Long time, no post but well worth the wait. Very good read!

    1. Jontae Grace says:

      Thank you soo much Queen Artesia! I appreciate you still tuning in and checking me out 🙂

  4. nosyjosie says:

    I was waiting (while reading) for you to address the true reason and issue for resistance in relationships. Finally you did lol. The selection process is the root of so much. Relationships are being formed for all of the wrong reasons and with the wrong criteria. Frustration with our past relationships sometimes makes us flock to someone who doesn’t resist us…someone who doesn’t put up much of a fight…someone who will comply with how we like to do things. We claim to be looking for a partner when in all actuality we are looking for a minion.

    I also attribute much of the problem to not having a solid understanding of our own foundation or value. Before we find someone who thinks like us, we first have to understand how WE think. We have to take the time to learn our own values…our own culture…our own spirituality. We can’t build our foundation on our partners, which I feel many people try to do. Once we have our own foundation, then we can join with a partner who also has that same foundation. So when things begin to crumble around us, we always have the same foundation to fall back on.

    1. Jontae Grace says:

      Thank you for reading Josie! And yes! Problem of not knowing oneself is a very big part of it. Unfortunately in my past, I’ve only gotten to know myself better by being around someone who was different! And I always regretted it because I felt like I got knowledge of self at her expense. Ugh, catch-22’s are soo annoying lol

      1. nosyjosie says:

        they are indeed! You should be one of my guest bloggers for the month of June! I don’t have too much of a male presence for it yet. Take a look and email me if you’ll participate:

      2. Jontae Grace says:

        I would love to! I am just now getting back into writing after some months off, but I will def email you about it. Thanks for the invitation!

      3. nosyjosie says:

        you’re welcome! Deadline for submissions is May 25th so you have some time 🙂

      4. Jontae Grace says:

        Great! I will get to work 🙂

  5. Denise says:

    Definitely worth the wait!!! I truly appreciate your post. It seems being submissive in relationships nowadays is lost. People seem to think that it means losing themselves and that is not what submissive is about. It reminds me of your post about “Ego”. Catering to your man/woman is definitely beneficial in a relationship. Thank you!! We (mankind) need to get back to the basics of what’s really important.

    1. Jontae Grace says:

      Thank you so much for reading Denise!

  6. When a woman TOTALLY trusts her man, there is not much she wont do for him and doing what he says in like second nature. Not that she doesn’t have her own mind and own way of doing things…it just that trust is kinda the same as freedom. This is a great post, Grace! Very well stated!!!

    1. Jontae Grace says:

      Very true! And same for men! We will lasso the moon for our women! lol thanks for reading Miss Katrina 🙂

  7. I shall share this over on my fan page. 🙂

    1. Jontae Grace says:

      Why thank you Queen!

  8. Sherri M. says:

    I love it. You’ve just gained a new follower

    1. Jontae Grace says:

      Thank you soo much Sherri!

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