By Jontae Grace
In the normal course of affairs, it can become necessary to cut ties with someone you love. The wretched ordeal of emotional divorce is draining, mentally burdensome and very time consuming. Even after you break contact, thoughts of your former flame dominate your mental landscape for what seems like ages. It is very frustrating and can scar you if you don’t process your thoughts and emotions, and work through them until you are psychology healthy enough to resume romantic activity again.
Imagine your emotional self as a skeleton. A breakup is akin to a broken bone in that skeleton. Not only do you need time to heal, you also have to rehabilitate the injured area or risk re-injury, disability and/or abnormalities in the future. This is not some distended metaphor, our psyches react much the same way as our bodies when injured. Therefore, you must minimize long-term damage by taking the time to hurt and heal properly.
In many ways, we do more damage to ourselves than our exes because we do not work through the pain and hurt, we bury it. And if you jump back into the pond too soon, you won’t give yourself the adequate time and space for productive self-reflection needed to emerge better.
At the very least, a one month window will help flush out the toxins that remain from the past. Anyone you spent six months or more with has left an imprint on you, and it is important to sift through their contributions to identify lessons to keep and release. And this should happen during a customary drying out period – both out of respect for your ex and to get yourself back balanced.
But why should you lay low for your exes sake? Fuck em, right? Wrong. That ex is still attached to your name and your life, he/she still has been your mirror image because you chose them as your representative. A person does not stop being linked to you once the relationship ends, and if you have nothing but ill to speak on your ex, it will actually backfire on you. First, it calls into question whether you are truly over your past. Second, it makes your potential mate begin to question your character, not your former flame’s. After all, you chose to tie your life into theirs voluntarily; that is the standard of love you chose for yourself.
In that sense, a grace period is more respectful to yourself above anyone else. It may seem like a good idea to entertain or sleep with someone new to help you get over your past, but it tends to cause more complications than it solves. Remember your emotional injury? Using a rebound to get over an ex is like walking on a broken ankle before it is fully healed. And in reality, you don’t wanna be the girl who hasn’t even let her honeypot snap back before letting someone new stretch it. Or the nigga using his side piece as a crutch because he got kicked out of his baby moms crib. It signals weakness, the likes of which no strong relationship can be built over.
A good rule of thumb is to use the scale model: however many years you two were together, use the same amount of months to get yourself back right. Of course this can be adjusted based on your emotional maturity. But one immutable law of time is that anything that happens too soon is no good. Your friends’ wisdom may suggest you move on as soon as possible, but you should always give yourself- and your ex- a period of respectful inactivity.
Personally, I am skeptical of women who want something new too soon. It usually signals a major red flag: how uncomfortable she is being alone, which is an indication of self-esteem issues. And I can’t do nothing with that, because no matter how comforting and loving I am to her, she won’t receive it until she solves her insecurities. She has needs that no man can satisfy, except for the one responsible for causing the void (in most cases, her father).
Ideally, you want to develop a neutral indifference of your past, learning all lessons available and working to reflect on how you can be better, and attract better. After all, life is about growth and development. I can give you a play-by-play of every personal failure I’ve had, every good woman I’ve let slip by in my twenty-seven years on this Earth. Sometimes, I feel a hundred years old, thinking back on how much life I’ve lived improperly, and how many mistakes in life and love I’ve made, with no reconciliation to this day. But you gotta make peace with your history if you hope to move forward with your sanity, without becoming bitter or flint-hard. If I had a better answer, I’d sell it. But in the end, YOU are the question AND the answer, the problem and the solution. Peace and blessings.