Why Men Cheat, Part Two: His Fault

I hate to use the “product of my environment” excuse, especially when examining my shortcomings. It bothers me to accept the idea that I am somehow at a disadvantage due to factors outside my control. I believe that in the end, everyone is responsible for their own rise and fall, and to blame another person or situation is to give it too much power over you. However, it would be irresponsible to ignore the different expectations thrust upon us by our families, communities and society. Thus, we will continue our discussion of “Why Men Cheat” by exploring how differently men and women are conditioned in this society, and how you can take control of your romantic choices by examining the development of the man you choose.

We live in a society that professes equality for all, but in reality has very different expectations for males and females. One doesn’t have to look any further than our gender roles to see the contradiction. Women are raised to be selective from an early age: she is taught to pick and choose her mates wisely, to find one good man and give her all to him. Every day she resists the advances of men wanting her for no other reason than her body. So she develops an internal skepticism of a man’s intentions, even the men she is interested in. She knows that a large part of her attractiveness is in her purity; therefore, to keep herself eligible she can’t allow herself to be ran through by any and everyone.

The single male, however, can have whatever he is cunning enough to get. He is taught from an early age to get all the girls. In fact, when males are babies we say, “he’s gonna be a heartbreaker.” Our culture and media give us permission to chase multiple women by invoking the Darwinian theory of seed-spreading. We even fish for women differently – pursuing several women at once, trying to see which one will take the bait first. It isn’t until we become financially secure that we learn to be selective about the women with whom we involve ourselves.

When a man moves into a space in which he is financially comfortable, he unlocks a whole new class of women that he is eligible for. He no longer has to chase ladies with the same effort he once did because he has become the valuable commodity. Far from being the dime-a-dozen male, he is now pursued by women, for no other reason than his success in life. And not just the high-class women who are used to a certain standard of living, but also the average, everyday woman who is intelligent enough to know what is efficient for her life. In this way, men’s wealth can be compared to women’s physical beauty in the way that it attracts the opposite sex. When people want you for what you have, instead of you as an individual, you have to learn to be more selective, or you risk being taken advantage of by them.

Usually, a man doesn’t reach financial stability until his late twenties. As a consequence, a large part of his developmental years are spent living under the impression that he can have multiple women. Then he gets a little bit of money, a good woman, and is expected to immediately cease his plural activities and channel his energy into her only. This is where men are most vulnerable because they haven’t been taught to make the transformation necessary to keep a good woman. I’m not saying that it is unfair to men, but it is unrealistic to expect fidelity if he has not made the mental preparation on his own. This is the reason why men cheat on a good woman, because he hasn’t learned to control himself beforehand.

Self-restraint is a learned behavior. It is contrary to our nature as humans. If you’re hungry, you eat. If you’re tired, you sleep. If you want something, you go get it. Our nature is to seek instant gratification for our desires. Strong individuals have learned to fast instead of indulge, work overtime instead of rest, and delay their desires until they are sure it is the best thing for them. These behaviors are not hardwired into us, and it takes a certain amount of repetition before it becomes a part of us. As a woman, you have to look beyond his external appearance and evaluate his maturity if you want to choose a faithful one.

In order to spot a cheater, you must learn to be a good judge of character. There are certain traits that will tell you how a man will respond if given the opportunity to cheat – and believe me – every man you date will be offered sex at some point in your relationship. It isn’t his fault; he may not actively seek opportunities to step outside the relationship. It is his ‘taken’ status that turns women on; he becomes attractive by choosing one woman and working to make a home with her. But he does have a choice in how he will respond to the advances made by other women, and his personality can help you predict what kind of action he will take in that scenario.

Begin to examine his value system with a keen eye on how he responds to his urges. Does he give into every impulse he has, deciding to eat fast food instead of homemade? When he wants something, does he go broke to get it? What type of spending habits does he have? What type of grind does he have? What is his motivation for working hard: is it to have nice things and be viewed as “The Man,” or is it to provide for his loved ones and those he is responsible for? When you ask yourself these types of questions, you begin to get a better idea of who he is as a whole person by looking at character clues. A man who is impulsive, or reckless, in one area of his life is more likely to act on his sexual urges if given the opportunity.

You should also look at his goals in life and how serious he is about pursuing them. Everyone – male or female – needs to have a purpose in life. People with no purpose have nothing to keep their impulses in check. They wander aimlessly from action to action, seeking new thrills that will occupy their time. A man with a purpose views his actions through the lens of his most important goals in life. He weighs everything, and everyone, in accordance to their value in helping him achieve his life’s work, and he is quick to identify and avoid threats to his progression.

In conclusion, life is what you make it. At the end of the day, it’s not women’s fault, or societies’ fault, that men cheat; it is men’s choice alone. More than anything, it is a decision made independent of his woman’s actions, based on his level of maturity that determines whether he will give into his urges when the opportunity arises. And sad to say, many men never reach a level in which they are no longer swayed by the temptations of Jezebel home-wreckers. But ladies, you can help yourselves avoid these types by sharpening your ability to see a man’s character and principles. Don’t be distracted by all the shiny objects and slick conversation; instead, make sure you pay close attention to his actions. Because one thing we cannot hide forever, is our individual nature. Peace and Blessings.


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Temptations run deep, but trust the man you’ve chosen.

7 Comments Add yours

  1. serenityluv1 says:

    Reblogged this on Love, Life and Relationships and commented:
    Add your thoughts here… (optional)

  2. crystal Brenae says:

    This is very well stated Mr. Grace. Women have to be more selective these days. Keep up the good work. I’m anticipating your next piece!!

  3. bossymoksie says:

    Good points and smart advice. But, I agree mostly with your last paragraph, that it comes down to personal accountability!

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    1. Jontae Grace says:

      Thanks! I just try to speak about issues that we deal with everyday. My goal is to help people create the relationship they want to have in life, so I try to write content that matches our experience. Thanks for bookmarking, I got some good stuff in the works for you! Be blessed 🙂

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