-By Jontae Grace
In my quest to take control of my social and romantic relationships, I’ve seen more than a couple behaviors that, if identified and avoided, can help eliminate some of the mixed signals, disconnects and disappointments that occur when two people discover that they’re not on the same page. Or chapter. Many relationship disasters occur when people have discovered that they are pursuing two different goals, but they entertain one another anyway, each one hoping to convert the other. As of today, we are going to stop trying to fit square pegs into round holes.
One fundamental truth is that you can’t make someone want what you want. Sure, you may be able to detour them long enough to forge a connection, but their original intentions will always prevail over yours. This may contradict every lesson you’ve been taught about the power of persuasion, mind-manipulation and mouthpieces, but it actually reaffirms it. In order to find a good one and be happy, you have to be able to objectively compare your strengths against the needs and preferences of your target, and determine whether or not you two have what it takes to satisfy one another’s requirements. And wisdom is in knowing that a large part of that process is not your race to run.
That is why I maintain a strict Meet Me in the Middle policy. Anyone who has ever dealt with me on that level will certify that they were free to come, free to stay and free to leave at all times. If you like what you see, it’s your responsibility to let it be known, and then we’ll come together and see if we match up. When I like something, I follow the same strategy. Pressure is not part of my program, and I’ve yet to see an example of it working effectively to establish a fruitful partnership. And yet people do it all the time, tugging on your heartstrings hoping to get that sympathy love as a consolation.
To that end, you may initiate communication on a level higher than friendship, but forget about influencing a potential partner to make the decision you think is best. The fact is, you don’t know what that person has going on in their head, heart or their life. So simply state your intentions, where you are and where you would like to go with things, and give the person the space and freedom to decide whether they are headed in the same direction. Truthfully, that is the most you can expect to control nowadays. Love is collaboration, not a dictatorship.
We expend so much looking out at the world that we sometimes neglect to look within at ourselves. Begin to re-assert your personhood, and concentrate on how you think and act. Self-improvement, to me, is the best form of recruitment, the most attractive attribute. And as your value grows, so should your security, and efforts to protect your essence. It’s not selfish, it’s practical; nowadays people are doing any and everything to plant flags in other people’s territories, especially good ones. You gotta be a little more aggressive about protecting your vision for your life, or you run the risk of becoming an on-ramp for someone else’s aspirations.
In the event that things don’t go your way, be careful giving too much power to negative experiences, or the people who cause them. Doing so often enough causes you to think that things just “happen” to you, the bad-luck magnet. You begin to adopt the mindset that you are a spectator in your own life, powerless to affect events and outcomes. Before you know it, you have surrendered your power to affect events, and instead became one of those “Woe is Me” individuals that everyone avoids. Take the reins of your heart, your love and your life, and own up to the reality that whether you fly or crash and burn, you are the pilot.
When you assume control, you also assume responsibility for outcomes. You may no longer place the blame on no-good men/women, or anyone else in general, because that gives them the victory. In the era of independence and self-sufficiency, that should be obvious. Trust me when I say that you will attract what you truly seek in life, and love. It is an immutable law of physics, and I’m no scientist but I know that much. So why waste your energy trying to lure someone into your orbit who may or may not like your environment? Why not expend your resources on self-improvement until someone comes around with the right advantages to stay?
Why not build something extraordinary?
Click here to download this article to your phone, tablet or PC!