When you look at a person, you are seeing the product of that person’s past from birth until their alarm rang this morning. Sesame Street, Super Mario, 9/11, everything that that person has absorbed comes to fruition daily. The way we speak, dress, think and love is an expression of our past. History is a very important paradox; we cling to it because it is all we know, and yet we try not to be bound by it, so it won’t limit our future growth. In love, we want someone with enough experience to stimulate us mentally and physically, but not so much mileage that they seem like a slore or damaged goods. It is a constant balancing act in which a persons past can either be their golden ticket, or a pink slip.
To me, a person’s mental and emotional makeup is of the utmost importance, and that is why I place so much emphasis on conversation. There is nothing more important than knowing what makes a person tick and why. If I am serious about a woman, I want to know the most important events that shape who she is and how she views the world. Of course, these things rarely come out up front (and if they do, it might be a red flag). That’s okay; in the beginning, a person will tell you only what they want you to know. But as you grow more, you share more, and you begin to find out important events that shape the person in front of you, and yourself.
The body follows the mind, so if a person has an extensive physical past (or lack thereof), it is important to know what historical events shaped him or her. Was it simply too much drunken college fun? Does [s]he have a missing piece that they are trying to fill by indulging or avoiding physical pleasure? The ‘why’s’ can drive you crazy if you let them, but they are important to at least consider. Whether a person has high mileage or not, their mental state determines whether they are still worthy of your energy, or not. Some of the most loyal women I know have been ran through WELL, and I know that they are loyal because whenever they get boyfriends, I no longer have access. Conversely, some of the self-proclaimed ‘good girls’ can be the most two-faced, scandalous creatures, with a main man for love, a side man for sex and a sponsor for clothes. So don’t place too much emphasis on a person’s sexual history.
It also depends on how much of a person’s past is actually history, and how much extends into their present life. You can’t exactly build something with a guy when his exes are harassing you on the phone and being messy online. And some women have baby daddy’s who don’t want to be with her, but don’t want anyone else to be with her as well. They want to keep her in limbo, unattached to him but unavailable to anyone else. These types of issues are complicated, but ultimately it is the responsibility of the person connected to resolve before attempting a foray into a new relationship. You can’t rely on your new girl to check your old girls, or your new man to check your BD; that will always add more problems than it solves. You have to be [wo]man enough to solve your own problems, and reconcile your past with your present. If you don’t, it can add strain to an otherwise healthy and positive connection, and even cause a breakup.
One of the most important things that I’ve learned is that you cannot control whether a person is going to do right by you. Sometimes we think that if a person cheats or turns out to be no good, it is somehow our fault. But that is only a fraction of the reason people get shafted. You have to understand that most of the time, a person is gonna do what they’re gonna do, independent of your actions. Some people simply cannot let go of their history and move forward. That is not something that you can spot or change easily, so don’t take it personal if you find yourself on the losing end because of it.
My personal belief is that every woman I meet is involved with someone in some capacity. It is truly rare to find a person who is completely unattached. We all need the social interaction and the occasional physical release to stay balanced. So it never bothered me that a woman might still be involved with someone while getting to know me. It is my job to convince her to forego those part-time ties for a full-time partnership. Tae don’t play second-fiddle, except to biological children. Her history must be fully paid, with no liens on her heart or her time in order to qualify for me. It can be a short or a long process, so I grant a certain amount of leeway. But I always keep the core of my heart on hold until I am satisfied that I am the only one she is seeing.
Remember that when you accept someone into your life, you accept everything that comes along with them: family, social connections, virtues, flaws, past events and future potential. But if you two have the right thinking when you join forces, then it matters less about past and more about what you two want to build going forward. There are two types of people: those who live their lives looking back and those who live looking forward. You can’t control whether a person will choose to cling to past ties or make a new path with you. But by talking and communicating, you can ensure that their history, does not become your mystery.
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Are you gonna dwell on history, or make history?